the robin

Let me begin by saying I screwed up.
And I know I did. 
Has there ever been a bigger idiot than me? 

Something like seven years ago we met. 
I thought you were cool but also definitely not okay. 
I later found out I was right. 
I later found out I was wrong. 

Five years ago we met again.
You were dating my best friend. 
We all ditched church and sat on the lawn, talking for hours.
And you and I, we clicked.
I went home thinking I might just have a crush on you. 
That was my first mistake.

Four years ago I came home from university.
I went to a Christmas party and you walked in.
We talked for hours again. 
And decided we would be best friends.

For months we spent our time together.
You sat by me in church.
I came to your house.
We wrote letters to your girlfriend/my best friend.

And then you left.
And when you left I cried. 
And when you left you cried. 
I wrote you letters.
Sent you basketball updates through email.
I missed you. 

You came back and immediately went to school.
I was alone. 
We talked a bit. 
And when you were home you were mine. 
That was my second mistake. 
I thought you were mine. 

You told me you loved me. 
I thought we were building something.
I thought this is what love was. 
Waiting for your girlfriend to come back. 
Three years ago.

When she returned I kept you from your first date with her.
That was the third mistake.
We talked for hours. 
Truths were shared. 
And eventually, you left.

That night I went to my best friend's house to discuss your date with her. 
I was jealous.
That was my fourth mistake.
You went back to school. 
And I waited.

You broke her heart.
I comforted her.
And silently cheered.
Finally, it would be you and me. 

I am a terrible friend.
I kept recreating how things were the year before.
But it never matched up. 
We drifted. 
And I worried.
Two years ago.

In my mind you were destiny.
To me you were fate.
Friends to lovers. 
A perfect story. 
That I attempted to force.
My fifth mistake. 

One year ago I transferred to your university.
It wasn't for you. 
But I wanted it to be. 
We hung out once. 
I tried so hard.

You had a girlfriend. 
She was sweet. 
I knew I was wrong.
I kept trying. 
That was my sixth mistake. 

I called you one night.
Ready to confess it all.
And you told me you were going to propose. 
I cried. 
And confessed it all anyways.
Seven mistakes for seven years of knowing you. 

After it all, I found out she was sleeping next to you. 
After it all, I could see it all so clear. 
After it all, I am sorry. 
I love your family. 
And I thought I loved you. 

But love isn't what that was. 
That was infatuation.
That was selfish.
That was less than what you deserve. 
And less than what I do.

I said sorry once. 
If I could I'd say it a hundred times. 
I'd say it a thousand. 
But I've let you go. 
I hope your life is happy.

Sincerely, 

your stalker bi